if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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