i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
