i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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