So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
