Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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