My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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