He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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