My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
