Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
