Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
