She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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