I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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