i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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