Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Hippo gnu deer
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
