I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
