you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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