You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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