I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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