Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
