I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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