we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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