i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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