So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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