My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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