does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
