I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I understand Curling. That high.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
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