dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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