Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
