I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
