just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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