My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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