We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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