birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize