the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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