I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
