To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
