Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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