I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
