My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
