Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
