It was confusing and full of hummus
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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