please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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