i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
