I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
