Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
