ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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