just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
