my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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