so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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