i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
