I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
