I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
