I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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