there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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