All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
