never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
