Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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