I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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