we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
